Radiant as the Sun

This morning I got home around 7am. I had spent the night out with some friends but I’m responsible and came home to feed my pets and get some rest. I walked in and cuddled Toshiya, fed him and went to my bedroom to bring out Jasper and Edward. The minute I stepped inside I knew something was wrong. The cover I usually put over them during the night was pulled off slightly and I could see Edward staring down at the floor of the cage. Jasper was on the floor in an abnormal position with his neck twisted strangely. I knew he was dead. 

The night before I accompanied a friend because one of her best friends, someone I also knew had lost her mother. She died in her sleep. It was an emotional night. To see so many people crying and sad… well I’m not that cold that it didn’t bother me. So having those raw feelings of seeing people mourn a loss that way and then coming home to find one of my pets dead. Well I didn’t take it well. I called my mother pretty much sobbing. I never had to deal with a dead pet… my parents always took care of that when I was younger. Besides my hamster that died in my hand (of old age) I’ve never had the trauma of having to remove a dead pet. It took me more than an hour to deal with it. It wasn’t cute. 

It terrifies me that I was like that with Jasper… I can’t even imagine how I would react if it were my baby Toshiya. I tear up just thinking about it. I’m an animal lover. Most of the time I prefer animals to humans. 

I forced myself to sleep afterwards and now I just feel weird. I keep talking to Edward to see how he is. Thankfully he’s been singing nonstop. But now what? Do I get another bird for him? Do I just leave him alone? 

This sucks.